


Dissolution of Self

by blipblorpsnork



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Introspection, Stream of Consciousness, character study - sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27714380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blipblorpsnork/pseuds/blipblorpsnork
Summary: It was in the way the gravel and silt and ash crunched under the heels of his boots. It was in his every instance. It was in every beat of his jaded, fractured heart. And it was in Levi’s every single move that he carried the weight of his own sins, crashing down around him. He'd do whatever he had to to keep them all alive.
Kudos: 9





	Dissolution of Self

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by one-word prompts given to me by a friend. This prompt: Grit. (Not spoiler-free for both the anime and the OVAs)

It was in the way the gravel and silt and ash crunched under the heels of his boots. It was in the way he kicked rubble out of his path, surveying the land with cold black eyes and an expression that barely held burning anger in check. It was in the way that he seemed aloof and apathetic—but his jaw was tight and he grit his teeth and internally he was at war not just with the Titans but with himself. So many men and women. So many soldiers. So many humans. Dead, because he wasn’t there to save them from themselves. So many people he’d helped send to their deaths, so many undertrained and overwhelmed individuals who never stood a chance to be anything but Titan fodder.

And it was in Levi’s every single move, in every mannerism and scoff in every single glance that he carried the weight of his own sins, crashing down around him. He’d gotten his team killed. Not just once. Not just twice. No, those teams had been friends back then, but they weren’t the last team to die. They were the last friends to die, though. He no longer had notions of friendship or anything beyond the camaraderie needed on the battlefield to keep his fellow man alive. He’d distanced himself ever since then, since Team Levi had been dissolved—crushed, pulverized, destroyed, pulped—by the female Titan. Hardly getting close to anyone, barely letting himself feel anything but rage and internalized hatred. He’d learned, then, that feeling meant bringing harm to another person.

He wasn’t so selfish as to think he was cursed, but he did know that it was his fault. That, objectively, was irrefutable. Isabel and Farlan wouldn’t have died if they hadn’t gotten involved with Levi in the first place. Farlan had known what he was getting into with the street violence. No one underground was a stranger to it. But Isabel was only a kid, a child who’d come to them for asylum and he’d gotten her and Farlan killed by a Titan because he couldn’t keep them safe from themselves. From their bombastic enthusiasm and arrogance and the will of fire burning in their hearts. It was a similar situation with Petra, and Oluo, and Eld, and Gunther. If Levi had been more prepared…

But he didn’t have time to feel sorry for himself or mourn the dead. Not when he had others to protect. It didn’t matter how much he hated himself or how much he really did stay up some nights, glass of whiskey in hand while he wished he were dead. That he’d died alongside his mother. That Kenny had done away with him the same night he’d abandoned him. That he’d at least gone out alongside the people he’d loved.

It didn’t matter how he felt. It only mattered that others lived and survived. It mattered that he repented for his sins. Everything he did reflected that. And while others read him as cold and cruel, the truth of it was that he felt more deeply and more passionately for every single person under his command than any of them could possibly feel for themselves.

He would do whatever it took to keep them alive. It was in his every instance. And it was in every beat of his jaded, fractured heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure you could call this a character study but I'm very bad at knowing what tags to put these under to be honest. Anyways I've spent the last few days solidly obsessing over snk again (anime only so please be courteous of spoilers. I am not and will not catch up to the manga until after s4 is over and done with) and uhhh needless to say but my feelings and shit over Levi have Enhanced Themselves. Anyways! I'm not dead! Woo! Turns out being bipolar isn't super conducive to a proper writing schedule and that's okay. For anyone here who might be waiting on a Goodbye ch8 update, it's like... Planned out partially I just hadn't gotten to writing it yet. It's likely going to be a short chapter to get me back into the swing of things when I do so just be aware. ANYWAYS! See y'all soon actually, because I have another piece I'm about to edit and post uwu


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